You asked me why I think that Carol thinks of me as someone like “the Balcony Rapist” for example. Well after she left later the same day as the altercation last August, dad really convinced me into thinking that she was really scared. He assumed that she was probably really scared. It doesn’t sound like Carol has any remorse after or regrets lashing out at me. Even Carol said herself after that altercation she didn’t want to work with me anymore if I couldn’t control my anger. It sounds to me like my parents didn’t like the idea of myself and Carol spending time together, like they couldn’t accept the fact that I liked her, and like they didn’t like the idea of her coming here from Day One and also I think they would have tried to end our relationship a lot sooner if they had their way instead of letting it go on for as long period of time as two and a half years. I detailed three reasons in the long message that I sent you on Wednesday February the 13th why I say that the altercation last August was my parents’ mistake. And ever since that altercation they seem to have fun knowing that they can torture me and get away with saying these things from the following excerpt because they now know that Carol’s not coming back:
> ...I don’t like it every time when my mom had said since August “Carol’s not coming back”
or when my dad said “she’s
> gone” and I don’t want them to get away with saying that, I don’t think my parents should get
to win at everything...
That above excerpt was from the message I sent you on
.
Now, to elaborate on where I said above that it sounds to me like my parents didn’t like the
idea of her coming here from Day One. A month before Carol first started working with me, she
phoned us to let us know that she would do my respite and that was the first time we had heard
from her in the ten years after she was my TA for two months in elementary school. We had spent
months before the day of that phone call looking for a worker for me and as soon as I found out
we had gotten that phone call I knew I wanted her because she was someone who I already met. It
made me feel a bit more comfortable about the idea of a new worker knowing that it would be
someone from my past. The reason why she didn’t start working for me until a month after that
phone call was because my parents wanted someone who had more training. They agreed to go with
Carol after not being able to find anybody else, I don’t know if they agreed reluctantly though.
I’ll also elaborate on where I said above that I also think my parents would have tried to end
our relationship a lot sooner if they had their way. There was another altercation between my
parents and myself a few days into year 2005 after New Years Day and this was only a month after
Carol first started coming here. I also had thoughts about living somewhere else the next few
days after this altercation, but my mom said that if I live somewhere else I won’t have Carol
anymore because I’d probably have to live in either Richmond, Langley, or maybe even live in
North Surrey again and wouldn’t get to stay in South Surrey.
And if I do send Carol a letter, I could E-mail you a copy to proofread for me after my
parents proofread it first. My mom always checks the E-mails I write to you after I type them up
and before I send them. And if Raynor’s gunna get Carol to respond, I don’t think it would be
necessary to get her to explain to me again why she doesn’t think that me living with her would
work out. I already told you that she made it clear to me she wants her own life once she's able
to retire from her school job, but I think she needs to be convinced to change her mind about
that. Again, Carol is someone who I feel safe with and I think that she is the right person for
me to spend a good portion of my life with. I had already looked forward during the two and a
half years until what happened in August to continuing to know her and to spend time with her
for a lot longer, especially after already meeting her earlier on in my life in elementary
school. Again, keep in mind about the connection I told you about in the message I sent you on
Friday February 8th
between my cousin, Jenny, and the lady she lives with named Judy. I did continue to regularly
see the rest of my family for the next few years after I stopped seeing my relatives in Port
Coquitlam, but I hardly seen any of my relatives at all the last few years and I’d rather have
Carol instead of my own family. Because I told you that Carol is almost the only other person
besides my parents who I’ve known for a long period of time in my life so far, I think of her as
family and I think that she’s the right person to care for me until she’s too old to do so. I
don’t know if Carol even knows that I feel this close to her.
When I said that I want to be allowed to come and go as I please, I didn’t mean that I would
like to walk out the front door and then take a bus by myself. I didn’t have any plans to do
anything angry that one evening a few months ago when my parents kept blocking the front door so
that I couldn’t leave, this was my only other option because my parents kept grabbing the phone
from me when I was so desperate for Carol to come get me so that I could be safe overnight. My
parents kept trying to convince me that whole evening that I am safe here, but I wanted
to get out of here instead of continuing to put my safety at risk.
Just like I told you that I felt punished for not being ready for two nights, I also feel
punished for not wanting to live with my parents. I feel that having to become independent as
well as the possibility of living on my own are my
punishments for wanting to move away from the abuse to somewhere where I know I’ll be safe. You
heard my dad say when we saw Raynor two days ago that he wonders if maybe Serena would be the
right kind of person to help me become independent again and to get my confidence back to the
level it was at before I left High School, I still don’t like the idea of going on buses with
either you or Serena and I said this in the message I sent you on the 13th:
> ...Also one thing that I won’t be doing with Carol if I end up living with her is bus trips because I’d
be a hypocrite to do
> so after she ran to my neighbour, and this is why I’m not thinking much about the idea of
doing bus trips with
> you...because I would have rather done them with Carol instead of with another worker, so I
guess now it’s most likely
> that I’ll never go on the bus again...
You heard at the meeting last Thursday
(the 14th) about the list I made with the psychologist when I saw him at Able Clinic of things
that I did regularly and things that I can do but didn't always do independently. I had a worker
around that same time who also worked out of Able Clinic and who’s name was Andrea Sharp. We
discussed one time with her about the possibility of me living with my friend, Mac, at some
point. You know that I can’t take living with Kris because he’s too hyper while I like things
quiet and only like so much going on at once, we can only put up with him for so long. You also
know that Mac’s more the kind of person who likes to take it easy because of his heart condition
so therefore I’d prefer someone more like him compared to Michelle Hoare who I know you agree
with me on that she can be impulsive. And I’m saying these in response to the question I was
asked on Friday “how I would feel about having a roommate.” I don’t like the idea about a
roommate to be honest if I could have my way and not have one, I don’t like the idea about
having my own suite, and I just want to live with Carol. I remember my mom said that two reasons
why she thinks I’d benefit from having my own suite
are; 1) because I have to get up lots during the night to go to the bathroom and I couldn’t
disturb anyone when doing so if I had my own suite and 2) I like to keep the blinds closed
during the day while other people like to have the blinds open. think Carol would be okay with
me going to the bathroom lots every night, I remember I went lots
during the nights when she stayed over and she slept
through most of those so I therefore think that she shouldn’t be disturbed. And we now have
blinds on every window in our house, the last time we had blinds installed was almost three
years ago when we had a special kind that block out more light installed on the big windows in
our living and dining
rooms. I don’t remember exactly what these type of blinds are called, but I’ll let you know if I
remember the name. One more advantage I thought of about having my own suite could be that I
could play my computer games whenever I want and as much as I want.
What eventually might work for Carol and me would be if we could have a unit where our
bedrooms are at opposite ends. The master bedroom would be on her side but my bedroom could
still have its own en-suite and our living area would be in the middle. The kitchen could be on
her side while I’d have my computers on my side so that whenever I’m on the computer I could
concentrate on what I’m doing there without being distracted by any kitchen noises like the sink
running for example.
Because there isn’t enough funding, I think that my parents or anybody else should do the
right thing and chip in since Carol can’t afford to retire right now. I’ll live with her in
Whalley or move across Canada with her if I have to, this is how desperate I am to live with her
and I’ll do anything to make that happen. I’m aware that the weather conditions get worse the
further East you head and that I might not get my Safeway Chinese food as often if I live in
Whalley with the one in Peninsula Village being the only Safeway we know so far that has it, but
I’d rather do anything I can to be safe from my dad. Carol even said herself that if she were
one of these low income families and if she had kids she’d rather live in an area like Whalley
that has crime and drugs to keep her kids safe instead of living in that Peninsula Estates which
is one of few places a low income family could afford in an area that’s more expensive to live
in like South Surrey. Peninsula Estates is that townhouse complex that was in the news a few
years ago when it had the mould and mildew. Carol and me could live in my parents’ house
temporarily if my parents would agree to find somewhere else to live temporarily until a
permanent situation is worked out for Carol and me. The reason why I talk about the possibility
of moving further East is because Carol might have enough income for us to live on if she
retires now and we move to a cheaper area. If anyone has a small section of their basement or
their upstairs that they’re not using or even a whole
floor, I’ll take it and then maybe we could have a suite built there for
Carol and me to live in.
If I end up having to move, I’ll miss my nice neighbourhood and I’ll be disappointed to leave
South Surrey. I’d rather live in a nice neighbourhood if I could have my way instead of living
in the kind of neighbourhood like that other one in
South Surrey that you told me about where lots of cars got broken into or instead of any
neighbourhood in Whalley. I also feel punished to have to leave my neighbourhood and to leave
behind a lot of the good things I got at this house only because I’m not comfortable here. I had
hoped to stay in this house as long as I could and for my parents to care for me until they’re
too old to do so, I always felt comfortable around and enjoyed being with my parents whenever
there wasn’t an altercation. I had also hoped to stay in this house at least until the entire
place is renovated, I’ll miss picking the furniture. I paid for half the cost of the couch and
loveseat that are currently in our living room with my money. I showed you my binder full of
future house plans. We’ve now lived here for twelve years and not much work has been done so
far, the only two rooms we had renovated so far were the family room and my bedroom. My parents
let me have my bedroom exactly the way I wanted it with green walls etc, and remember we were
going to pick out an electric fireplace for that room before the latest altercation.
You said when I saw you two days ago that you notice once I get my mind set on one thought I
stay focused on it and it’s hard to let go of that thought. I wouldn’t even have thoughts about
moving out if I didn’t have to fear for my safety. I also wouldn’t want to bother Carol about
going to live with her if I felt that I was living in a safe environment and felt 100% confident
that I would never hit my mom again. I would rather live somewhere where I could play my
computer games while knowing that I’m 100% safe from another altercation ever happening
again.
I told you in that last message I sent you last week on the
20th that if I could have my way I would also like
to take Chloe with me again because I like to sleep with her every night. You said yourself two
days ago that I’m an animal lover, now in my own opinion it would feel kind of sad for me to not
have Chloe anymore only because I don’t like the situation where I’m living now. One thing I do
worry about though is if I end up with Carol and we have to move somewhere else because we can’t
afford to stay in South Surrey, I’m worried that Chloe might run away because it would be a
whole new place for her far away from the area that she’s use to and I therefore would never see
her again.
You asked me why I confine myself to the couch instead of expanding my comfort zone to
another room where I could integrate with family.
> I had also confined myself to the couch for the first week after that altercation with
Carol last August before going back
> to my old routine (by force) and I decided to have no contact with and had nothing to
do with my friends after that until
> I met you for the first time. I also haven’t talked to my friends since before
this altercation a few days after
> Christmas and I
plan on having nothing more to do with either of them unless I see Carol again, and I mean
seeing her
> again on a regular basis instead of just once for coffee.
I don’t feel that I’m punishing myself by confining myself to the couch, the reason why I’ve
confined myself to the couch is more to do with confidence just like you know that the reason
why I stopped traveling is because I got sick the last two trips in a row and they were both to
the same spot in Washington state. You know that I only did one bus trip with Carol since the
last time I traveled, and that was to Metrotown in January 2005 not long after Carol first
started working with me. We had planned to do another bus trip the next weekend after the
weekend we went to Metrotown, but I woke up with an upset stomach that morning so we therefore
had to cancel at the last minute. As soon as I had done that bus trip to Metrotown I had then
hoped that I would get my confidence back to where it was a few years before when I did at least
one or two bus trips each week, but I didn’t feel so confident again once my stomach got upset
the next week. I also don’t like the idea of going on the bus by myself again and I would rather
have someone go with me. Anyway, I told you that I haven’t had any problems so far and haven’t
hit my mom so far since confining myself to the couch. You see in the above excerpt that I tried
going back to my old routine but after I had done so the altercation after Christmas occurred.
I’d feel safer going back to my routine while living in an environment where I won’t pose a risk
to ever hit my mom again and where I know I’ll be safe from my violent dad. The only such
environment I feel I have now is the couch.
The cake at the bottom of this message looks different than the cake I got from Safeway last
year at Valentines Day. Both cakes came in either white or chocolate and the one I got last year
had some purple on one side and green on the other. My mom left a message on Carol's answering
machine the evening before the day Carol and I had dinner together around Valentines Day last
year to let her know that we’d might have to cancel dinner because that was when I was
constipated. And because Carol got my mom’s message, that’s how she knew to say right when she
first saw me that day “Oh Neil, are you not feeling well?” All the more reason why I think
Carol would be a good person for me to live with, remember it was brought up again at the
meeting last Thursday (the 14th) about the fact that Carol knew what to do whenever my
stomach got upset while I was with her because her daughters have the same stomach problems I
have and Carol also has a few stomach problems herself. And once again two things that her and
me have in common and two reasons why I think she’d be perfect for me are that
we both have stomach problems and
neither of us like to travel too much.
Speaking about last Valentines Day my mom doesn't even remember the time when I was constipated,
and how could she not remember that if we discussed it with the nurse when she came to our house
last month to visit with us. I know the last time I spoke to Carol about it, she remembered that
time when I was constipated quite well. She was constipated herself one time when she was at my
place.
One other thing that was brought up at the meeting on the 14th was the fact that I haven’t
watched movies for three years and I haven’t watched any TV series with my mom since before the
altercation that took place a few days after Christmas. And I don’t plan on watching TV with my
mom ever again after that altercation and would rather watch with Carol. I said this to you
before:
> ...If I could live with her, I’d look forward to sitting up with her every night (or almost
every night), eating junk food, and
> watching TV with her.
Since the altercation a few days after last Christmas, my mom has been taping all the TV
series that I use to watch with her and tapes keep piling up on the floor next to the TV. I
probably won’t keep those tapes once I’m with Carol, I sometimes have a hard time following
what’s going on so if I’m going to watch a series with her I think it would be best that we
start from the beginning of that series so that Carol could better answer any questions that I
might have. I should say something about the fact that I don’t want to live alone because I like
to have someone with me when watching TV in the evenings to explain what goes on. I’d rather
spend my evenings sitting back, relaxing, and watching TV instead of staying up expressing my
thoughts to you. I haven’t watched movies with my mom since before the altercation a few days
into the beginning of 2005. There were many times since that altercation when I had planned to
watch a movie with my mom but either there would be another altercation or something else that
would stop me, but I gave up the thought of trying since the last altercation almost two months
ago. I didn’t watch movies with Carol any of the evenings she stayed overnight, but she would
have been glad to watch with me if I had wanted to watch then. If I could live with Carol we
could stay up on Christmas Eve and watch either
“the Grinch,”
“Elf,”
or “The Muppet
Christmas Carol” and while doing so have either the round butter
shortbread cookies with red and green sprinkles or the red and green Christmas smarties or both
things with either regular milk or chocolate milk to drink. It use to be our tradition that
every year on New Years Eve I would stay up til midnight with my dad and we would watch the
Mr. Bean movie (the original
one), but I haven’t stayed up til midnight on New Years Eve for
the last five years. I might consider doing it again though if I could live with Carol.
I remember you said when we got back to my place on the 14th after the meeting that it feels
comfortable to be in your own home after going out and doing something. I hope to go out more
with Carol once I’m living with her and again I said in one of the messages I sent you a couple
weeks ago that I also hope to go for as many walks with her on the nice afternoons. That’s two
things I plan to do if I could live with Carol, get out for more walks and watch TV most
evenings even though I already said that I won’t do bus trips with her. As soon as Carol started
working with me back in December 2004, I had looked forward to doing lots of things with her
until the altercation between my parents and myself a month later. Because of which I didn’t end
up doing as many things with Carol that I had originally expected to and I didn’t watch too many
movies with her during the two and a half years I was with her. Since that altercation near the
beginning of 2005, Carol and me didn’t do much. We mainly just sat around and visited until just
a few weeks before the altercation last August when I had started to do a few more things with
her like going for a walk in Crescent Park or going to Dairy Queen for our snack. Immediately
upon those two weeks first kicking off I had planned to do more until the altercation that ended
our friendship.
It sounds like maybe Saturday will be the better day for dinner. If we would have ended up
going to Moxie's, I prefer to go as early as 5PM whenever I go to one of these kinds of places
for supper before the crowds get there and dad’s not sure if he can get away from work that
early this coming Thursday so now we can have Chinese food. You can still come both tomorrow and
this coming Thursday (the 28th) at 1PM both days.
I know that Fridays you have to pick up your mom and I told you that my next appointment with
Dr. McKibbin is on March 14th which is also a Friday. My appointment’s at 10AM but it shouldn’t
hopefully be as long this time, so if I want to have White Spot for lunch after the appointment
we could hopefully be back at my place in time for 1:45PM.
This message is now nine pages long and most of the long messages I sent you previously are
only eight pages, John, so I think that’s enough until after our next visit. Sorry about if you
don’t have much to read in regards to having good dreams tonight, if we don’t talk about
anything heavy tomorrow maybe I can get you caught up on all the light-hearted stuff next time I
E-mail you and then this one can hopefully stay the longest message I send you ever. I spent the
whole weekend typing this up. I’d rather spend my weekends doing things that I enjoy. And I said
this earlier on in this message:
> ...I’d rather spend my evenings sitting back, relaxing, and watching TV instead of staying
up expressing my thoughts to you
I hope that the long message was worth it though and I hope that I explained everything
clearly. I decided that I will have a Banana Split at DQ tomorrow and maybe this coming Thursday
we could go to DQ for onion rings or we could do it one day the next week since I went out with
you to A&W and we’ll be going out again tomorrow. If we’re gunna pick up Chinese on Saturday, I
don’t know if going out too many times in a row is such a good idea? I could ask my mom what she
thinks about this too.
Here are just a few light-hearted points to end this message:
• Your ping pong ball on top of cat spring finally fell over and ping pong ball rolled onto the
floor. I slightly bumped it with my elbow a few minutes before I came off the computer last
Thursday afternoon (the 21st).
• My mom saw today’s weather forecast. I’ll be your weatherman and tell you that ”tomorrow’s suppose to be the last nice day and then it’s suppose to be rain and clouds the rest of the week.”
And I hope that you’re finally able to read my dad’s funny E-mail without any problems.
See you tomorrow at 1PM.
-Neil
P.S. Here is the image I scanned of this year’s
Safeway Valentines cake:
