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John,
My mom went to the Peninsula Village Safeway first thing after she left the house yesterday
afternoon and did her grocery shopping at that location. She then walked across the parking lot
to London Drugs to pick up a few things before driving to the Ocean Park Safeway, they didn’t
have any Valentines Day cakes at either Safeway location. My mom said to me after you left
yesterday that maybe they’ll only have the cakes out on Valentines Day and that she and my dad
could stop at the Safeway at 152nd Street and 88th Avenue in Fleetwood on their way home
tomorrow, that’ll be later in the day though if our meeting starts at 10AM and then goes for two
hours. The cakes could get picked over earlier in the day. After the Ocean Park Safeway
yesterday, my mom then went for her walk at Crescent Beach and then it was time to come home.
She picked up a strawberry smoothie drink at one of the Safeways to have on her walk, she said
that I might like it so she might bring home one for me to try one day. The brand is HAPPY
PLANET. She also got at Safeway yesterday a RESERS RAINBOW GELATIN salad for our supper tomorrow
night.
The cranberry juice I had with my grapes yesterday afternoon was the Safeway brand. I
finished the Ocean’s Spray bottle that we had the day before and then after that we just had one
Ocean’s Spray left and the Safeway brand bottle that I started on yesterday. There was only one
Ocean’s Spray left on the shelf the last time when my mom went to Safeway (before
yesterday) so she grabbed that and got one Safeway brand, both bottles she got that day were
exactly the same price at that time.
I didn’t get to sleep until 2AM last night, but once I did get to sleep that was my third
good sleep in a row. I got about seven hours, and the night before last I managed to get about
seven or eight hours of sleep even though I was in the bathroom for about an hour after midnight
that same night having messy toots. I was going poop lots and had lots of big poops yesterday, I
had a bit of blood coming out with a poop I had after I had my snack and before I went to bed
last night. You thought that maybe the reason blood sometimes comes out could be because I might
try to force my poop to come out one of the very last times I went when I didn’t have to go, we
also discussed this with the nurse when she came here last month. I never had to force anything
yesterday, I just kept having to run to the bathroom lots. I also had a “big messy” poop this
morning after shaving and before lunch, that’s a time of the day I don’t normally have a poop.
Usually I don’t have my first one everyday until either after I have lunch or after I have my
afternoon snack. I said many times in previous E-mails I sent you that I wish Carol were around
when times like these come. Also, either my gums or some of my teeth were bleeding for a few
minutes before you came yesterday, so I asked my mom if that was anything and she said that
sometimes happens when you’re brushing your teeth.
Now I guess I got to give you my thoughts on what we discussed yesterday before our meeting
tomorrow, starting at the beginning and then working our way through. First we discussed the
fact about my dad reacting violently every time I hit or get angry. You then thought that if I
was telling you the truth about him stomping on my back there was a pretty good chance that my
ribs would break. Well, let me tell you that I almost thought that was actually going to happen
while he was stomping on my back. You know that I almost felt like I was going to die or fall
unconscious, I still think that he was trying to kill me. My response to you asking me yesterday
if my dad had ever hit me, I said this in the message that I sent you
last Friday (February 8th):
> You asked me yesterday what should happen when my dad has to protect his wife.
Let me tell you that he doesn’t
> react violently every time these things happen, sometimes he’ll just ask me what’s
wrong and these are the
> times that I usually calm down a lot sooner before it escalates into something really
big...
I guess I should’ve elaborated more on that one. I remember one time many years ago when I
was having a conversation with my dad and we were talking calmly, he said to me at that time
that he would never hit me because I’m his son. When we had that
altercation a few days after
Christmas though,
my dad lashed out and said that if I hit him he’ll hit me back. I think that he does
have anger issues too, I do remember you saying that his only take affect after I act first but
my opinion would be that “two people who have anger issues don’t mix” and therefore shouldn’t
live together. Doesn’t sound like a safe combination. I’d feel safer to live with someone like
Carol who doesn’t become that violent when and who doesn’t have anger issues that take affect
whenever I act out. I wouldn’t even get angry if I were living with Carol. I had never made any
threats about any of Carol’s family members until that day last August and again Carol and me
never had any problems in our relationship before that day last August. It was because of
my parents’ mistake that I was driven to make
threats about her daughters and also because of their their
mistake why our relationship will never be the same again and why
she’ll never think of me the same as she did before what happened last August. You said
yesterday that you thought what happened was Carol’s mistake and not my parents’ because she was
the one who wouldn’t let me phone, so I guess this will be the message where I go into more
detail below about what happened that day in August and about why I say that it was their
mistake. Keep in mind that she didn’t grab the phone from me like I told you my parents do
whenever I try to phone her, she just wouldn’t read me the number. I like to have the number
read out loud to me whenever I use the kitchen phone to phone my parents, Carol had always read
the number to me every time before that day whenever I was with her and we needed to phone
them.
You said yesterday that the fact my dad might have anger issues that only take affect after I
act first might be a deterrent for me to not hit my mom. I think my mom might have been trying
to get me angry when she had her “mental episode” so that I would hit her and then get in
trouble for it. I already said in the message I sent you
last Sunday (the 10th)
that I never want to get in trouble for it and that I think I should live somewhere where I know
I won't hit. And you didn’t think that she wasn’t acting herself when I told you yesterday that
she had used a dry Kleenex to wipe the almond butter instead of using a wet dishcloth,
but don’t forget that it wasn’t just that. I said she was also hitting herself, now I know that
is not herself and I call that a “mental episode.” And I don’t know why she thought that a
Kleenex would be enough to get the almond butter out when she had been using a dishcloth for a
long time and knows that almond butter won’t come out with something simple like just a dry
Kleenex. Also that evening was the first she told me that I didn’t have to send anything to
Carol for Valentines Day because she doesn’t consider it that big of a holiday compared to
either Christmas or her birthday, I mentioned to her several times before Christmas that I think
I might send something else to Carol either for Valentines Day or for her birthday. My mom never
said anything any of those times, she said this evening a few weeks ago that she didn’t say
anything until then because she had a lot going on before Christmas but you’d think that
would’ve been one of those more simple things that would be hard not to think of when you have a
lot on your mind especially if I ha said it to her a lot of times before Christmas.
I know that my dad is trying to be friends again and that you said you think he loves me.
This wasn’t the first time he tried to be my friend again after an altercation like the one that
took place a few days after Christmas. He tried many times in the past before this latest altercation. Whenever he does these things like sending me the funny E-mail, I think these might just be bribes to try and earn my friendship back and to try and make me think that I got it the best living here but I can’t trust him anymore after the same cycle repeating enough times and I have to start thinking seriously about my health and my safety. Again, I said in the message I sent you last Sunday (the 10th) that any conflicts in Dianne and your relationship were probably just minor things compared to a lot of the bad times we’ve gone through. “Minor things” being things that could possibly happen in almost every family or at least in the common household, like for example again the small arguments/disagreements that might occur between my friend, Mac, and his
mom. And another thing to keep in mind is the fact that this latest altercation took place only
two days after Christmas, not just this Christmas but the last five or six Christmases weren’t
good ones for me. Therefore I don’t remember having a good Christmas since maybe Christmas 2001,
if I could live with Carol I’d hope to have good Christmases with her and to have my first good
Christmas in a long time.
I’m not convinced that “my dad is trying to keep me safe by not letting me run out the front
door when I get angry” because I don’t see the violent ways he treats me whenever I get angry
and him hurting me as ways to keep me safe. And it’s true that I don’t like to be left alone,
but I feel that wherever I live I should still have my own freedom to come and go as I please.
My mom did ask me one time since the altercation
a few days after Christmas
what my plans are for whenever Carol has an
appointment while living with her. I guess either one of her daughters or her friend, Holly,
could stay with me, or if worse ever comes to worst I guess I could go with Carol to her
appointment and sit in the waiting room.
Now speaking about this, I know you asked me the last couple times I saw you if I had ever
thought of any other places I might like to live besides with Carol or if living with Carol
doesn’t work out and I know that one time before then you said to me that Carol is just one
person and that I will be meeting lots of new people later in life who I don’t know right now
but it’s because of that connection that I talked about in the message I sent you last
Friday (the 8th) why I think that she’s more than any other person I’ll meet later on. And
it’s because of my parents’ mistake why this
connection is now broken. I had already said that I never wanted that same connection between
Carol and myself that is now between Krista and that boy named Tyson. People I could meet later
on in life could be people who know you or who have “contact with/connections to” either you or
anyone who either knows you or knew you at one time, if it wasn’t for my
parents’ mistake I could’ve met people later on in life who Carol
knows or who have connections with Carol. I find Carol to be one who has more of a simple life
even though it might be more on the boring side and that’s what I like about her while it’s not
that I don’t like you but just that you and Di are more active, more social, and know a lot more
people. One example would be the fact that you and Di are musicians and another example would be
that you and her had a painting contest when you were up at Harrison while Carol in her so
called “simple life” is not into painting and doesn’t have much of an interest in the type of
active lives that you and Di have.
This time last August as you already know was the first time my parents tried to go away for
two nights and the third time Carol had stayed with me overnight, the first time was in August
2006 and the second time was earlier last summer (summer 2007) back in July. There
weren’t any problems the first night that time last August 2007, but Carol and me had planned to
go out for the afternoon the next day when after lunch I was upstairs in my bathroom putting on
my sunscreen. Now I have two different types of sunscreen, one that I put on my face and the
other on the rest of my body. I had already done my face and then went to do the rest of my
body, now I was halfway done the rest of my body when I ran out of my regular sunscreen. I
wanted to phone my parents and ask them if they had more sunscreen put away somewhere that I
could use, this is where Carol wouldn’t let me phone. She told me that she didn’t want me to
phone because as soon as my parents hear the phone ring she thought that they would get worried
before they answer that it would be me calling because something maybe like an emergency for
example happened at home. I tried to convince Carol that my dad is use to his cell phone going
off because “my grandpa phones him a lot” for example including in the past while my parents
were away on trips so therefore it was okay to phone, but Carol still said no. Carol gave me no
choice but to use my face lotion for the rest of my body and she said that “we aren’t going to
phone them over something like that,” as soon as she said that I started to feel worried about
getting angry and taking it out on my parents as soon as they come home the next day because
when she said that it sounded like she was saying it the way she would say it to a little kid
like it was something silly and not worth phoning about so I then said to Carol out loud that
“I’m worried about how I’ll treat my parents tomorrow.” few minutes after I said that to her
out loud she asked me exactly what I meant and then she asked me if I meant that I would hit my
mom, I said to her “yah.” She lashed out at me and said “if you hit you’re mom I’m not coming
back here” which is probably just about the number one thing I will not have said to me. I then
told her that she can’t say that to me. Her lashing out and saying that to me really made me
start to feel angry inside so it was at this point when I now wanted to phone my parents and
have them come home a day early. She still wouldn’t let me phone even after this. I then kept s
aying out loud quote “I want to kill myself,” you think she should have clued in to let me phone
by now. She then said that we could still go out to Crescent Beach and eat our ice cream in the
car. At this point I no longer wanted to go out and didn’t want to go out for the rest of the
day. I would rather go to Crescent Beach when I could enjoy my ice cream without having to eat
it in the car and I didn’t know how else we would go out and get supper later in the day if one
I had told Carol that I didn’t want to go out for the rest of the day and if two she wouldn’t
let me phone my parents to come home. Even after I told Carol that I didn’t want to go out and
after she agreed with me that we won’t go out, she still wouldn’t let me phone and now this is
where I had lost it and threw a few things. I had never been in this type of situation before
and just didn’t know what else to do. As soon as I started to throw things, Carol went running
out the front door. I couldn’t convince her that it was safe to stay in and I couldn’t convince
her that I wouldn’t hurt her. She also didn’t agree to stay in and read me the number so that I
could phone my parents to come home, again I said above that I prefer to have the number read
out loud to me. Not long after Carol started working with me two and a half years before that
day was the first time when she found out that I have a history of throwing tables, so I don’t
know why this should have scared her and why she should have gone running outside. I wasn’t safe
for her to go running out, as soon as she was gone I tried to hurt myself. few minutes later, I
tried to phone my parents on my own but it took me three tries to get the number right because
by this time my fingers had gone numb...all the more reason I should’ve had the number read to
me. I also couldn’t feel my legs by this time and therefore had trouble trying to stay stand up.
As soon as I got through to my parents and told them that I wanted them to come home, they then
asked me if they could speak to Carol. I went running outside to give the phone to Carol, when I
got out there is when I found out that she had told our neighbour who lives across the street
from us about what happened. I’m not happy about the fact that and am very “cheesed” off that a
neighbour had already learned what happened before my parents even knew. I hit my mom as soon as
they got home a few hours later, even though you read in the last few E-mails that I know
“hitting is not acceptable” but maybe they would have had a nicer welcome home and maybe I
wouldn’t have hit her if Carol had been more flexible and more respectful about the idea of
letting me phone. And knowing that “hitting is not acceptable,” I wouldn’t even hit someone if I
knew I had a low fitness level and thought that I could get away with it knowing I couldn’t kill
anyone or give them a bloody nose with a low fitness level.
I now give three reasons as to why I say that what happened was my
parents’ mistake:
-My dad said himself that we had a miscommunication and that he and my mom should have
made it clear to Carol before they left that I’d be
allowed to phone them any time I want to. Even my psychiatrist (the one on Scott Road)
thought that Carol should’ve let me phone, she did agree with the fact about Carol thinking that
my parents would be worried as soon as their phone rings incase it was me calling to let them
know something happened at home but thought however that the right thing for a worker would be
to let me have that phone call the first time when I’m away from my parents or caretakers for a
period of two nights or longer. She said that these are the kind of
thing that should be done in stages.
-My parents did tell me after they got home that there was no more lotion. My mom went out the
day before Carol came overnight last August to buy me lotion for while they were gone and I told
her to buy me twice the amount than the amount she normally buys me so that I would have enough
to last me two days and I’m pretty sure that I remember making it clear to her to take me
seriously when I said for her to buy two bottles, but she didn’t take me seriously and she
didn’t buy me much more than the amount she normally buys me. If she did take me seriously, I
wouldn’t have had to phone my parents and Carol wouldn’t have lashed out at me. Now you see why
I feel confident that hopefully no more problems like this would occur between Carol and me if I
were to live with her and why I say that it was their mistake she made me angry. If I don’t want
to have anymore contact with my parents once I’m living with her and if I ever did run into
another type of situation like this, I wouldn’t have them to phone and ask where something is
like my lotion for example because they wouldn’t live where Carol and me are living so therefore
I .
-A little more than a year ago back in November 2006, I had asked my mom just one little
question about the Christmas village one Friday afternoon and she had to pick a fight about it.
I got mad and hit her, I then had to phone Carol to come over. Again Carol said that I could
phone her anytime I got angry (and as long as she was still my worker at the time) and
she’d come take me out. My anger wouldn’t escalate any higher as soon as I was able to phone
Carol and I would calm down as soon as she came, it was on this day last November now when Carol
was here later that day after I got angry when my mom told Carol that I hit her. This was the
first time when Carol found out that I have a history of hitting, if my mom didn’t tell her that
I hit her earlier that day Carol might not have asked me if I meant “I would hit my mom” after I
said that I’m worried about how I’d treat my parents the next day and therefore wouldn’t have
lashed out at me. This time last August was the only time when Carol had not helped me to calm
down because she was the one who had made me angry and all those times when she did help me to
calm down were all times when my parents had made me angry.
And three reasons why I think Carol should’ve let me phone:
-We had planned for Carol to come stay with me overnight the first summer she was working
with me (summer of 2005) and my parents had planned to go away for two nights this first
time. This got cancelled at the last minute because I admitted to my parents the day before they
were suppose to go away that I was worried and felt that I wasn’t ready for them to go away yet,
Carol didn’t end up coming overnight at all that summer. Now if Carol had remembered this two
years later and if she had knew that my confidence had gone down a lot over those last few
years, don’t you think she should have clued in that I wasn’t ready for two nights yet?
-One evening last August two weeks before the altercation between Carol and me, I had got a
little upset about something and phoned Carol. I wasn’t sure if I was ready for two nights after
this little upset happening or if I wanted my parents to go away at all now, so I then asked
Carol on the phone what she thought and she said in a calm tone a voice that she still wanted to
come spend those two nights with me. Do you think it should have been obvious to her to let me
phone if she knew I wasn’t sure about two nights when I called her two weeks before?
-I only got a couple hours of sleep the night before, I even told Carol this when I first got up
that morning last August.
I feel punished for not being ready yet for two nights. Is it a crime to want my parents to
come home a day early? My mom said to me after this had happened to think about the fact that I
wanted her and not Carol, but that was just one time when I wanted my mom instead of Carol and
again it was my parents’ mistake why that
was. I also told my mom then that it didn’t necessarily have to be my parents, I could’ve wanted
anyone who was my caretaker at that time to come home early. My mom also said that
I could have just let it go and carry on with my
plans after Carol not letting me phone about the lotion until they came
home the next day. I had tried to go on, I offered to go upstairs and change my clothes before
going out and after Carol not letting me phone about the lotion. After offering to go upstairs,
it was then that Carol stopped me and asked me what I meant when I said that I’m worried about
how I’d treat my parents because she didn’t quite understand what I meant when I had said
that.
Remember I said to you yesterday afternoon that I remember all my Christmas stuff was gone a
lot sooner last year and had later got Valentines stuff. It’s because of
my parents’ mistake now that it took me a
long time to eat up all those cupcakes on my own, I didn’t have Carol around to help me.
I had also confined myself to the couch for the first week after that altercation with Carol
last August before going back to my old routine (by force) and I decided to have no
contact with and had nothing to do with my friends after that until I met you for the first
time. I also haven’t talked to my friends since before this altercation
a few days after Christmas and I plan on
having nothing more to do with either of them unless I see Carol again, and I mean seeing her
again on a regular basis instead of just once for coffee.
Carol had gave me about ten or twelve cupcakes leftover from Krista’s wedding which took
place last August a week before the altercation. I still had three of those cupcakes left after
the altercation and I didn’t eat them, I would have been a hypocrite to have done so after that
altercation because Carol was the one who gave those to me. Also one thing that I won’t be doing
with Carol if I end up living with her is bus trips because I’d be a hypocrite to
do so after she ran to my neighbour, and this is why I’m not thinking much about the idea of
doing bus trips with you...because I would have rather done them with Carol instead of with
another worker, so I guess now it’s most likely that I’ll never go on the bus again because I no
longer want to do bus trips with Carol.
I didn’t touch my laptop for the first time until a week after the altercation last August
because it came on the same day as that altercation and therefore thought that laptop would lead
to more bad times in my future if I ever was to use it. I could’ve sat on the couch with my
laptop yesterday taking notes while we were talking instead of penciling them on a scrap piece
of paper, that would’ve been the first time I would’ve touched my laptop since before
Christmas.
And last, it’s okay if you answer if at anytime tomorrow the psychiatrist asks me a question
that I don’t want to answer and that you know what the answer is.
My mom told me that she saw the weather on today’s Noon News and they’re predicting light
rain for tomorrow, heavy rain for Friday, and we might get some sun this coming weekend. She
also saw a short clip on today’s Noon News from the concert that you went to last night. BTW,
how was the concert speaking about which?
My parents heard a loud noise outside in middle of night last night. My dad got up to look
out the window but he couldn’t see anything. My mom went out this morning to find that the top
of the birdbath had been knocked off.
I said this in the last
E-mail that I sent you two days ago:
> Remember I told you when we went for our walk last Thursday that Music was another subject
I wasn’t good at
> when I went to school. I had to take Music every year in elementary school, I wasn’t even good
at it then and I never
> learned my music notes...I never took band when I got to High School because the band
instruments are too loud for me...
You learned on that same day that even though I also wasn't very good at French I can count
from one to ten in French and I know that "chien" means "dog." I still wonder how you say "cat"
in French.
Here is the portion of the message I sent you last Friday
(the 8th) that somehow you managed to skip over, the portion about the funny E-mail:
> ...you’d probably deserve at least one pleasant bedtime story to read this weekend. Did you
checkout the “Space
> Quest” and the "Wolfenstein" series yet? My dad sent me a funny
E-mail today (from work) that I could forward on to
> you sometime within the next few days...
And the other portion of the message I sent you that same day that you missed with the link
to download the scanned images:
> ...Here are three of the images; the very first one we did of the cat laying on a bed, the
one of the dog laying on a
> bed, and “the one of Taffy .”
Tell Denét that we captured Taffy and took her for a boat ride, tell her that’s what we
> did while you were with me yesterday. You can get them at this location
> http://...
Now you can tell Danae that we took Taffy for a
boat ride. And let me know as soon as you download those pictures and then I’ll upload some of
the images we scanned yesterday to that same location.
After mentioning all those places that we could eat at after our meetings with the FVMH I
thought I made it clear in the last E-mail I sent you two days ago that we’d have lunch at
Wendy's tomorrow. If when we get there tomorrow we find out that the biggest size the chicken
nuggets come in is six pieces, one idea might be that we could order two six pieces. You could
have two and I’ll have my ten.
See you tomorrow at 9AM.
-Neil
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