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RE: thoughts for thinkers

Date Sent:

Sunday Feb.10,2008

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Azure blue text indicates any changes that were made after this message was sent (spelling, grammar, phrasing of sentences, etc).



I guess we discussed a lot when you were with me last Thursday.

you wrote:

> ...and I’m more comfortable talking in person.One reason is I don't want to write something that you may disagree > with .I'd rather avoid that scenario and talk in person...

Sure. I can understand if you’d rather wait and talk in person, that sounds like a good idea if you want to avoid that scenario.

John, I guess we discussed a lot when you were with me last Thursday. you wrote: > ...and I’m more comfortable talking in person.One reason is I don't want to write something that you may disagree
> with .I'd rather avoid that scenario and talk in person... Sure. I can understand if you’d rather wait and talk in person, that sounds like a good idea if you want to avoid that scenario. One more thing I should address before the meeting on Thursday, I’m worried about my mom. I think she might have some “mental issues.” She doesn’t have them very often though, but I notice her having them. Last Saturday, the day I told you I had some almond butter on Carr’s crackers for my evening snack, I noticed that she wasn’t acting herself...not acting in the same routine she normally has everyday. Almond butter is messy and I spilt some on my pajama top. As soon as I let her know I spilt, she tries to wipe off the spot with a dry Kleenex. This is where I say that “she wasn’t acting herself” that evening, she normally uses a wet dishcloth when I spill food on my clothing. The almond butter wasn’t coming out so she wet the Kleenex under the kitchen sink and tried again. I don’t know why it wasn’t obvious to her before she tried with the dry Kleenex that the almond butter wouldn’t come out without something wet, and I don’t know why she’d wet a Kleenex when every time I spilt before this evening she had always used a dishcloth. I already knew myself that the spot wouldn’t come out as good without something wet. Anyway, something wet did work better for making the spot go away somewhat but I didn’t notice until a few minutes after I had gone upstairs to brush my teeth before going to bed that the spot didn’t quite come out all the way. I went back downstairs to tell my mom and had only planned to stay down there for no more than just a few seconds, but it ended up being more like a couple hours. My mom agreed to wash that pair of pajamas the next day and then I told her I’d put on a clean pair for that night. My mom then said “that pair of pajamas are dry and should be fine for tonight.” I agreed to wear that pair and then I asked her another question about something else, I forget what though. She answered this question by saying "fine, put on a different pair" and then I asked her why she gave me that answer if first the question that I asked her and nothing to do with pajamas and second if I had already agreed to wear the first pair. She answered that time by saying that she already said I could put on a different pair. Including those two times, she had to have said at least three times that evening that I could put on a clean pair with the third time being after I had made it clear to her twice that I would agree to wear the first pair. After the three times, my mom repeatedly hits herself for some 30 seconds. Hitting herself is also not normal for her and I think she needs to get help even though again my mom doesn’t have these so called “mental issues” very often. She was also interrupting me a lot that whole evening, it seems like every second thing I said that evening she would interrupt me when I was in the middle of saying it. After I said to her not to interrupt me, she would then say that she wasn’t interrupting. I asked her what she calls it and then she said, “I spoke too soon.” In my opinion, “interrupting” and “speaking too soon” both mean the same thing. She said at the end of the evening that she thought about it after I said that and she realizes that she guesses “I was right when I said that they both mean the same thing.” And that wasn’t the first time she realized in the end that she had made a mistake earlier on, and every time she does realize in the end that she made a mistake she never remembers and still makes exactly the same mistake the next time. For example, the next time I say to her that she’s interrupting me I know it’s most likely that she’ll then say that she wasn’t interrupting and then she’ll say again that she spoke too soon while not remembering that she realized in the end the last time that they both meant the same thing.

> ...One thing I can say is that abuse of any kind (verbal or physical)is not acceptable...

I think that maybe my mom was not acting herself that evening on purpose just to try and make me mad so I’d hit her. I always remember in the beginning every time this type of thing happens that hitting “is not acceptable” but most times when this happens and after my anger escalates enough and once my parents make me mad enough I eventually lose it and end up starting to hit. I almost lost it last Saturday evening as I kept feeling more mad inside as the evening went on, but luckily that was one of the few times I had managed not to hit.

> ...I'm hoping the meeting with the FVMH will open a pathway to healing some of the past events in your life. Especially
> with your family . I'm concerned that you don't feel safe living with your parents...

And I don't feel safe living with my parents, I think my best option is to get out of there before I do end up hitting again and more importantly before I get in trouble for it. I don’t want to get in trouble for it and I think I should live somewhere where I’ll feel confident that I’ll never abuse again.

I have a feeling that I won’t be able to trust that another altercation like the one that took place a few evenings after Christmas will happen again, even after meeting with the FVMH because again it still continued to happen after we tried other types of help in the past. I no longer want to continue putting my health and my safety at risk knowing that it could start up again even after as long as several months or years. Some of the times in the past while we were doing so good for a long period of time, I had a good feeling a few of those times that and felt confident that it was over and done with and would never happen again until all of a happened again. This is why I say many times that “every time it happens I can never trust that it will be the last time.” I also don’t want to put at risk having another evening where I’m kept up an extra three hours when I just want to go to bed and where my parents are camped out by the front door (see below). I want to live somewhere where Ill never have another night when I kept up past my bedtime and where I can sleep at night while knowing that I’m safe.

> ...This could be part of why you're having health and sleep problems...

Speaking about which, I didn’t get to sleep until 2AM again the night before last night but I did manage to get a couple more hours of sleep that night than the amount of sleep I got the last few nights before. Yesterday morning after I woke up and before I got out of bed, the same thing happened again that I describe on the long message I sent you last Tuesday (the 5th) where my left ear would plug either as soon as I lay with that ear on the pillow or it could also start ringing if I just lay back.

> ...Its very hard on your mind and spirit when you harbour negative thoughts for long periods of time...

I don’t ever want to “harbour negative thoughts for long periods of time” ever again, I have a good feeling I won’t once I’m living somewhere where I can I also don’t want another evening where my parents are camped out on the floor by the front door so that I can’t leave the house just like they were on that evening when the altercation took place a few days after Christmas . I am 25 years old now and would like to live somewhere where I can have my own rights, where I can leave anytime I want to and where I can use the phone anytime without incident. I was desperate to phone Carol to come get me that evening, I didn’t feel safe sleeping at home that night while having to worry about my dad after the way he’d been treating me but every time I went to pick up the phone my parents would grab the phone from me. There were even times when Carol was still working with me where I’d be at home with my parents and I’d get angry. I’d try to phone Carol who told me I could call her to come take me out anytime I got angry, but even then while Carol was still my worker my parents had also grabbed the phone from me whenever I tried to call her. The times I did make it through to her, as soon as she came “I’d calm down right away before my anger really escalated.” Those were all times when my parents made me angry while Carol wasn’t at my place though, the only time of course she didn’t help me to calm down was that time in August which again was my parents’ mistake that she made me angry. And remember that was the only time that Carol made me angry, therefore if I’m living with her and I no longer have any contact with my parents she should hopefully not make me angry.

Also that evening, my dad turned the computer off when I wasn’t even going to touch the computer. I went into the downstairs computer room when I was trying to use the phone. He turned off the computer just by turning off the power bar while it was still on the desktop without taking the time to do a proper shutdown which isn’t good for the computer, I would like to live somewhere where I’ll be sure something like that won’t ever have to happen again and my computer will always be shutdown properly whenever I want it turned off.

I also remember one time back when Carol worked with me she said that running out the front door is a good thing to do when I get angry. My dad said to me on that evening a few days after Christmas that if I go out the front door in my pajamas anyone who sees me would call the police. It was dark out and my pajama bottoms are black so I don’t know if anyone would have been able to tell that they were pajamas, this sounds to me just like for example if I were out somewhere with my dad at a time I would have been 100% myself and I’d say to him that “I’m going to go sit in McDonald's and have a drink.” Even if it was in the middle of the day in broad daylight and if I was clothed properly to be out in public, he could then take a turn where he’d lash out all of a sudden and say to me that anyone who sees me sitting in McDonald's would call the police while again I’m not even angry at the time and am having a normal day where I’m 100% myself. Keep in mind that this is just an example. Think about it though, if there are people sitting at all the other tables in McDonald's at that time clothed properly and just sitting there eating...not looking different in anyway than and not doing anything different than me, then why could someone call the police on me but not on any of those other people sitting at the tables. I even told my dad that evening that there might not be a problem if he’d let me take the time to get dressed again or at least put a jacket on before going outside in the cold.

Another thing, I almost felt desperate enough to either phone Carol for help or go running out the front door just to get away from my crazy mom the evening I describe above when she head her “mental episode.” My dad who I don’t trust had already gone to bed while I had never been in that type of situation before where I’m left alone with someone who’s having a “mental episode,” I was scared and didn’t know what to do. I guess you could say that I was panicking while my thoughts inside about hitting kept building.

> ...Dianne and I took a anger management / conflict resolution course years ago . This really helped our relationship and
> put us on the right path to resolute conflicts...

The way that Di and your relationship was before you took the “anger management / conflict resolution course” probably wasn’t much of anything compared to a lot of the bad times we’ve gone through.

> ...Also no worries about negative comments made about di and myself . Often when people are angry they say things
> they later regret . I'm glad i'm still your friend...

feelings (or someone else’s), the worst thing I’m worried about happening if I stay with my parents any longer and the same thing does happen again at some point is if I say something negative about Carol. I told you in the
last message that in the past I’ve made negative comments about her two daughters, but almost the only person in my whole life so far who I have never said anything negative about is Carol herself and I would like to not say one bad thing about her my whole life.

> ...Thanks for sharing your thoughts on all the topics...

You’re welcome, sounds like you know now a lot about what we’ll probably be discussing at the meeting itself on Thursday.

Enough talk about all of that stuff for today, I now weave your bedtime story for tonight.

> ...Now on another topic my Camry is acting up . the engine is running rough and some indicator lights came on .I'm going
> to bring it in on monday morning .The only way i could see you on monday is if di drops me off and picks me up because
> i dont think it would be ready by one oclock .another alternative is if i come on tuesday...

My mom thinks Tuesday sounds like a better day for you, she also said that she could pick me up a cake that day. I think I will have some green grapes for my snack that afternoon. Speaking about my snack, you thought that there were only green allan gummies in the green bag before you saw me take a red one out of the bag last Thursday:

> ...You saw me eat the blue bag last week with orange and black gummies, and now tomorrow you should
> see me eat the green bag with green and red gummies...

And the portion of the message where I told you that I don’t like toast before you forgot that I don’t like toast:

> ...The DQ chicken strip basket also comes with fries and a piece of toast...b>I also don’t like toast, so if I’m at DQ with
> you for lunch one day in the future and I order a chicken strip basket then I could give you the toast. Just like you said
> before that if I walk over to the ESSO gas station with you sometime and you pay for a coffee for yourself, then you’d
> give me the cookie for free.

Speaking about DQ, besides the places that I already mentioned we could eat at after our meetings...
If we drive a little further South down 152nd Street past Guildford, there is a Dairy Queen on the left side in Fleetwood. Able Clinic where I use to see the psychologist is right behind the DQ. There is also a KFC in Fleetwood on the left side of 152nd Street about a block after Dairy Queen. I could get chicken strips with fries if I eat there with you one day. Let me tell you “that KFC in Fleetwood is a lot nicer than the little KFC in South Surrey” which only has two tables and has windows almost all the way around it so therefore would be bright. You know I wouldn’t want to eat at the Moxie's in Guildford after the bad service I told you I got there.

> ...i checked out the links you sent me . that brings back some old gaming memories...

That’s good news to hear, and again I had previously said that you’ll probably know more of the PC games that I like, own, and have played the more I continue to E-mail you.

Here are some funny stories for you about Izzy:last Wednesday (the 6th) how she likes to attack everyone. Later that same day after I sent you that message, my mom walked by her and when she did so Izzy swatted at my mom's butt.
-she knocked over the cat post in the family room two days ago (on Friday the 8th).
-she always tries to knock things off the coffee tables in family room. I remember one time within the last few days when she was checking the coffee tables to see what there is for her to knock off.
-I was laying on the couch yesterday afternoon while my mom was in the kitchen making the tapioca pudding when all of a sudden I hear her say to Izzy “I don't need your help.” I had half of the pudding for dessert at supper last night speaking about which. Neither of my parents had any for their dessert last night, my mom only made enough two fill two bowls and I will have the other half for my dessert after supper tomorrow night. Before the pudding yesterday, my mom made me one of her homemade salads for supper this time with shrimp and cheese instead of lunchmeat and cheese after that one I had from Safeway a few weeks ago not having any shrimp. I finished off the “Cadbury Mini Eggs” for my snack last night, I think I will have some more of the Doritos for my snack tonight, and I think I will start on the cashews when my snack time comes tomorrow evening.

My grandpa (my dad's dad) phoned us two nights ago (Friday evening) and he had news...My cousin, Michael, who currently lives in Nanaimo just got a new job in Edmonton. He and his dad, my uncle Gordon, have rented a big truck and they moved a bunch of stuff there this weekend. They asked my grandpa if he wanted to go for a ride there with them and see his brother' s wife, my great aunt Lucy, who lives in Edmonton . My grandpa said "no" because first it's too cold there right now and second he'd have to stop lots on the way up there and the way back to go to the bathroom. I guess all those extra bathroom stops would take more time away from my cousin and my uncle. My cousin will be renting a small apartment in Edmonton to start with before he decides whether or not he likes his new job while his wife and kids stay in Nanaimo. If he decides he likes his new job and ends up staying there, they plan to rent out their house in Nanaimo after the rest of the family moves to Edmonton and joins him.

When my dad went into work last Thursday morning (the 7th) before he came home and went out with my mom, his secretary told him an “interesting” snow story. The story is actually amusing for us, just not for her family. They live in North Vancouver and there was lots of snow and ice there when this happened. The secretary was at home with her daughter last Wednesday evening (February the 6th) when all of a sudden they heard a big crash. They looked outside and saw that the Asian lady who lives down the street from them had crashed her car into the daughter’s car. The daughter’s car got written off. The Asian lady was on her way out to go shopping, now could you imagine wanting to go out shopping when the conditions out there are that bad.

My dad walked over to the store yesterday afternoon and cashed in my “DOLLAR SIGNS” scratch which I told you in the message I sent you the day before I won $2 on. He got me another “DOLLAR SIGNS” with my winnings, he also got scratches for my mom and himself that time. I won nothing this time and at first we thought that my dad who had won $10 was the only one who had won. We found out later after we originally thought that my mom didn’t win that she won $6. My dad then decided to walk back to the store and get a bunch more scratches with his winnings, my mom told him to get me something different to try this time so he brought me back a “Set for Life.” All three games on those are the one where I have to match three identical dollar amounts to win that amount, I got two $50 on one of those three games and two $50 thousand on another but I didn’t win anything in the end. My mom then said that we're not having much luck on the “Set for Life” either.

My mom told me the two major news stories for last Wednesday (the 6th) when she actually saw them on the news that day, you probably know about these by now though:

• 52 people are dead as a result of tornadoes in five Southeastern U.S. states including Arkansas and Tennessee. They say those areas don’t normally get tornadoes at this time of year.

• There was a bad snow storm in Toronto that day. In fact, I think the rest of Southern Ontario got it too and not just Toronto.

When my mom saw the weather forecast on yesterday’s news, they were predicting nothing but rain until this coming Thursday, so it was a surprise to wake up and see the sun this morning. It’s pretty windy out there right now though while I sit here and type this message. My mom told me that on today’s forecast they’re predicting lots of rain for both tomorrow and Tuesday, so I don’t think that either of those days sound like a good day so far for you and me to go for a walk before my snack.

BTW, I got your message titled “The dog, the cat and the rat” and I’ll take a look at the video. Let me know if you’re interested in that funny E-mail I told you my dad sent me and I’ll forward it on to you.

Have pleasant dreams tonight, John, and if I don’t E-mail you again tomorrow I’ll see you Tuesday afternoon at 1PM.


P.S. My old pal, Kermy:

He was my hero when I was growing up...and he still is now.

Speaking about the above image, there is one section of it that we didn’t scan yet. What you see above is the left side of the image, the other part we scanned last Thursday is the top-right corner which says “IS IT EASY BEING GREEN/,” and we didn’t do the bottom-right corner yet which I told my mom to save for me but she didn’t take me seriously and she threw it into the recycling. Luckily though, the recycling hadn’t been thrown out yet so we were able to recover it. This will be the first image that we scan after my snack on Tuesday. In fact, it’s not an image...It’s just a short paragraph, maybe I could type it faster than the amount of time it would take to scan and whatever else. That image on section d30 of the Vancouver Sun is not an ancient Egyptian cat, it’s just a piece of artwork that somebody made. My mom thought maybe you were being funny and she said that it wasn’t really a cat.

Now, John, remember this image?

Here’s a Kermit smilie for ya:

And maybe a better picture of Jack, the cat who chased a black bear up a tree, can be found somewhere on-line:

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